Nightmare on 34th Street: A Xmas Grotesque
Narrated Horror Christmas Series
Explicit
Koopman’s department store is in trouble. Christmas is 12 days away, and they’ve lost their Santa. In desperation, they hire Ruprecht.
Is he a kindly old man in seal furs? A deathless shaman? A demon? Or pagan god? The real Father Winter with an empty eye behind a patch that makes coal of sinners? The city is about to find out the hard way.
Their only hopes for salvation: a brainwashed orphan, homicidal detective, and an inept revolutionary.
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NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE Words + Music by Geordie McElroy ***Part 1What is the color of Christmas?The white of untouched snow?The green of a Douglas FirOr ceaseless mistletoe? Could it be the red of stockings? Or yule-log’s golden breath?No. The color of Christmas is black Black of a moonless winter's nightThe black of coal in the abyssThe black of death***Koopman’s Department Store presents:The 12 Days of Christmas Grand Parade to city conveyed This season big businessAnnouncer from Channel Thirteen Mic picked up howling wind Nor’easter of the century From Greenland rolling in Each float branded to perfectionEach with a sponsored theme Franzenstein gingerbread houses Toscani nativity scenes They rolled along 34th streetUp to Koopman’s revolving door Where Steve and his wife Portia throned King and Queen of the store A masterpiece of art nouveau Engulfing block, tower Dazzling retail cathedral Where hard won coin showered The windows full of season’s displaysGorgeous crystalline glassEach winter fantasies Available for cash Announcer spoke up: “Here she comesIt’s Mercedes KoopmanSteve and Portia’s only daughter With her vocal debut” The pre-teen rode high on a floatPromoting her own brand Hawking neon fast fashion And song without a band Just as Mercedes started upBefore her vocals droppedAnnouncer said: “Wait… here comes Santa Claus?And he’s coming in hot” Santa revved red convertible Madness flashed in his eyesHe aimed full speed for Koopman’s store Mercedes forced to diveThe crash destroyed the singer’s float As Santa stripped his clothesRevealing a Satan suit beneath To the crowd he exposed Something from out of his waistband From crotch depth fustinessHe waved it around and yodeled:“The hammer of justice!”With hardware Santa Claus screaming:“You bourgeois pigs must dieThis one goes out to you, my Pearl” Blue-haired girl averted eyesHe raised the groin-secreted tool Shattered Koopman’s displays Screamed about theory of labor And radical clichesChristian protestors turned their backs So-called allies turned… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit geordiemcelroy.substack.com